Okay, this blog has been pretty quiet recently, and considering I’m just about to head off to London (and am likely to be internet-free for the whole time) it’s likely to continue. I’ve got a whirlwind of socialising, lots of meeting people, and hopefully lots of fun to look forward to. And I’m doing okay. June was a very rough month for me, but July has been better, and I’m aiming towards the future with something vaguely resembling optimism. Anyhow, there’s final packing and checks to be done. Have fun, and I’ll be back soon with some slightly more detailed bloggery…
life
In Pursuit of Happiness
I wrote an entry last week, but I didn’t post it. I was pretty down and upset when I wrote it… but I don’t want to delete it. Instead, it’s here behind a cut. I feel like I want to be honest about how I’m doing here, and the fact that since I finished the rewrite, I haven’t been doing brilliantly. There’s been illness and a few other moments – nothing hugely dramatic, to be honest. I am sometimes very much a ‘pressure cooker’ kind of person, and it’s like a baseline of emotional noise keeps building and building in my head until steam starts metaphorically exploding from my ears. Despite everything, the fact that my life is much simpler now does mean that I do find things easier to cope with. But there are times when you find yourself having dark moments, and it’s like being trapped in a cold, dark cave. And you know the only one who can get yourself out of that cave is you. You’re just not sure exactly how.
Anyhow, the entry which I didn’t want to delete runs thusly:
New Projects Ahoy…
One significant step is that I’ve got two new writing projects on the go. They’re both in the planning stages – there’s one in particular that needs a good deal more meat on the bones than there is at the moment – but they’re both ideas that are making interesting things spark in my brain. One of the things this last rewrite on The Hypernova Gambit has taught me is exactly how important character is – and I’m trying to approach these ideas from the right angle, to try and lay down strong character stories first and then construct a whole load of craziness around them. I still know what I want to do, I just feel like I have a slightly better idea of how to go about it now. I don’t want to pre-plan too much; the point will come pretty soon where I’ve got to just say “Screw it” and start writing. I’m also not sure which one I will prioritise first – one’s a loose spin-off from The Hypernova Gambit (completely self-contained though), and the other is a somewhat crazy mixture of emotional family drama and bugged-out psychedelic pulp storytelling. I’m actually tempted to try them both at once, bouncing from one to the other and see if one wins out naturally over the other. But either way… I know that this is what I need to do next.
I also had a quick look at The Hypernova Gambit again this morning. Maybe it’s not wise looking at a project once it’s out the door and being officially looked at by important people… but you know what? I’m really, really proud of it. Whatever happens from hereon in, I tried my damndest, I made some pretty significant changes (there’s only a handful of scenes that I haven’t tweaked in some way), and the book is now much, much better than it was in its previous ‘official’ incarnation. Frustratingly, of course, it won’t change anything with the editors who read the previous version of the book and turned it down (however much I’m filled with the desire to be able to leap up and down and shout “Look! It’s much better now, honest!”), but it gives me a much better chance with the remaining opportunities. Whatever is destined to happen, it’s taught me a hell of a lot about writing. And I’m not about to stop now…
Walkin’ On The Sky
It has been what could safely be described as an ‘odd’ week, mainly due to being flattenned by illness. It hit me last Saturday, but was also a combination of a whole series of factors, from feeling run-down after the rewrite, an oncoming cold, gradually getting dehydrated, overeating, and a couple of other elements I could have done without. The end result was that while I was out and about on Saturday (which was a pretty hot day, after all), I suddenly started feeling exceptionally weird, and my body essentially went slightly nuts for the next forty-eight hours. My appetite shut down, I was incredibly dehydrated, and I’ve been spending most of this week recovering – early on, I actually had a couple of productive days, but ended up feeling worse as a result of them, so instead I’ve spent the last couple of days essentially under house arrest. I’m getting a couple of hours of proofreading done a day, and that’s it – and I’m going to keep it that way until at least Sunday. There are two advantages – one, things have gone a little quiet on the work front (just a lull, it ain’t scarily quiet yet), and two, I’ve built up enough of a backlog of incoming money that I can actually afford to not do very much for a little while. It is tough being ill while on your own – and sleep has been one of my biggest problems, with my average wake-up time for this week being about 4AM – but I’m coping pretty well, overall, and not letting it get me down.
Would be nice if my body would hurry up and get back to normal, though…
On the subject of a possible change of (Internet) location…
I’m flirting with the idea of shifting this blog over to WordPress. Having had a look at the features on the site, it does seem to have a number of advantages over Livejournal (particularly as relates to customisation), and I can also shift all the entries I’ve got here over, so my random burblings for the last four years will still be easily available for those foolish enough to want to look for them. And I’m presuming I can probably set up an RSS feed to Livejournal to keep things going here. The decision is not yet made (and probably won’t be for a while): a good move, or a foolish endeavour?
Edit: Okay, I’ve just found out that WordPress also exists as blogger hosting software. Consider me confused. I guess, are there better possibilities out there? And is it kind of daft asking this sort of question when only the people who use Livejournal are going to read it?
Head hurting. Must go lie down…
Another Green World
Plans never quite work out exactly how you want them to. Got up this morning intending to have a day out – and in that I succeeded – although my intention to get out of Manchester and get to Buxton didn’t go according to plan. Instead, I leapt on what I thought was the correct train, wasn’t told otherwise – and an hour later found myself waking up in Crewe. Not somewhere I wanted to be. And that was after having bought two new comics on the way to the station, and then succeeding in leaving them on a bench in the station, and only realising after the train was in motion. On top of everything else, there wasn’t really an easy way of linking where I was to where I wanted to be, so I had to go all the way back to Manchester and start again (although at the least, it was a fast train with only three stops). After a night’s sleep that felt more like having a fight than getting genuine rest, I was all ready to be messy and upset, and yet by the time I got to Buxton (3pm), I actually found myself in a pretty good mood, and discovering the Pavillion Gardens there was actually rather lovely. A big, sprawling set of parks, lots of Victorian (and older) buildings with some very impressive domes, and the sun even came out, making the whole thing feel restive in a way I really needed. I’ve wanted to get out of Manchester into the Peak District for a while – and hopefully today means I’ll have ironed out the bugs in the programming for next time’s journey. I didn’t used to notice the natural world quite as much as I do now, and I like being this way. I’m going to get out again, and I’m going to remind myself that however difficult and claustrophobic my life on my own may feel at times, there’s a bigger world that’s out there just waiting to be discovered.
And hopefully next time, I’ll at least try and read the comics before I lose them…
The Strangest Thing
News: the rewrite on my book is done. Which should in theory mean flags in the streets, a day of national celebration and a letter from the Queen, but what it actually means is a general sense of “Oh blimey, what the hell do I do now?” Combine this with my general habit of getting somewhat downcast once any major project is finished, and I could easily have gotten hopelessly miserable last night – but instead, I headed straight into town and watched Drag Me To Hell at the cinema. Had a fantastic time, although it’s a gleefully odd movie – it’s almost a fantastically well-crafted grim and doomy old-school horror movie in the vein of Night of the Demon, but with lots of Raimi’s patented cartoony ultraviolence and viscera sandwiched in. It’s easy to tell that he’s been missing this kind of thing – there are moments in the film that certainly get close to the demonic energy of Evil Dead 2, and the impression is that of a director letting his hair down and really having fun. The only trouble is that the cartoony stuff really doesn’t sit well with the rest of the story – it’d be rather like interrupting Evil Dead 2 every ten minutes to try and deal with Ash’s psychology or background. Evil Dead 2 works so well because it’s an unashamed cartoon, and here it’s bolted to a story of slow-burning menace and dread, meaning it’s a bit bizarre when we’re suddenly in the realm of bonkers Evil Dead-style seances and seeing how many horrible liquids can be thrown all over Alison Lohman. But it’s far more exciting and enjoyable than any of the bland PG-13 horrors that have come our way, and far more interesting than yet another exercise in Torture Porn.
This morning – well, this morning I discovered that while most Postmen may be fine upstanding fellows, there’s at least a couple who are bold-faced liars. Last week, I came home from a walk in the park to see a postman outside my front door, in the proces of doing something with a parcel. Now, I presumed he was filling out one of those “Sorry you weren’t in” cards, and rushed up to take possession of the parcel, which it turned out was for Anna. Thanks were said, and I went inside to find more envelopes waiting on the doormat – and a “Sorry you weren’t in” card with my name on it. There were some parcels I was expecting (although I wasn’t expecting them quite this quickly) so I immediately rushed along to the postman who was only a few doors away and asked about the relevant parcel – and he looked at me and said something along the lines of “Oh, that was for the one I gave you.” At this point, I figured “Oh – how annoying” and went back home. I’m very English, and it’s very easy when given an explanation like that to think “Well, I guess that explains it…” and it’s only until later that thoughts like “Yes, but why would he have written my name on it?” came to mind. It was odd, but I didn’t really figure anymore about it. Anyway, one of my parcels turned up the day after, and another one the day after that, so all appeared to be well. All that was left was the biggest parcel, the one from Amazon.co.uk.
By the time it got to Wednesday, I was thinking “Hmm…” because they can sometimes be late, but they don’t normally take this long. By the time it got to Friday I was thinking “Grrr…”, and my thoughts returned to that card. Thankfully, I’d been sensible and not thrown it away. The Sorting Office where parcel pick-ups happen is a good twenty-five minute walk from my house, and it’s often a place where you’re greeted with a truly terrifying queue, so it wasn’t something I was relishing, especially when there was every chance that it was just a mistake and that I’d go there and be greeted by a “Huh?” when I presented the card. Anyhow, as I’d gotten into the habit of waking up very early, the idea occurred that I could head along there early – especially as it’s open at 7AM. So, this morning I did that very thing, walking through the rainy streets of Manchester, figuring I was wasting my time, I got to the office… and moments later the parcel was in my hand. The bugger lied. I’ve encountered this once before – Postmen on our round do occasionally seem to like the idea of leaving the heavier parcels in the van and posting “Sorry you weren’t in” cards through the door without actually knocking first. I’m glad I got the package, and I didn’t need it urgently – but rather unhappy that it sat in an office for a whole week when it didn’t need to.
And now, having vented, I shall sit in a corner and read some more Jack Kirby comics. Hurrah!
That Lucky Ole’ Sun
It’s probably the sunshine, but I’m feeling better. Having two consecutive good nights of sleep helps (even if last nights was somewhat interesting thanks to crazy dreams – the main one I remember being taking a pump-action shotgun to a whole crowd of bad guys all of whom were dressed as Heath Ledger’s Joker. Bottled up anger issues? Never!) has certainly helped as well. And the main thing has been the fact that… well, there’s a lot about my current life that I find difficult to get used to. I spend an awful lot of time on my own – and, to be honest, that’s mainly going to continue, as proofreading and writing novels are not ideal careers for meeting people. It especially doesn’t help that I am attempting to get over a major emotional hurdle, and sometimes time isn’t enough – it has occasionally felt, over the past few months, like I’m trapped in amber, like I can’t move on until something happens or I can progress out of what I’m still viewing as an ‘interim stage’. There’s a part of me that would be terribly happy for something like that to happen – if only because introspection can get so amazingly boring after a while. It’s very easy to find yourself going around and around the same subjects, reiterating the same conclusions. And I’m the kind of person who finds it very easy to think very badly of himself – or at least, who finds it easy to think that because I’ve gone from finding someone who wanted to marry me and stay with me for the rest of my life to being on my own in Manchester (not something I ever foresaw), that in some way I deserve it. That because I don’t have anyone in my life who cares for me in that way anymore, that I’m not meant to, and it’s very easy from there to feeling as if every aspect of my life alone is in some way reminding me of the fact that I don’t deserve to be with someone.
And my walk in the sunshine this afternoon basically brought me to the conclusion that thinking like that is understandable, but is also complete nonsense and isn’t going to get me anywhere. There are things I need to do to get myself out of my shell – small but important steps to try and link myself up with the world more and remind myself that I’m not alone. But above everything else, I need to remember that this didn’t happen as a judgement on me as a person. It didn’t happen because I did something wrong. It just happenned. And just because I don’t have anyone in my life who cares for me that way, it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve it. I need to be nice to myself, and I need to look after myself. The rest will come, with time.
I feel like I’m going to be alright. Amazing what a bit of sun can do, isn’t it?
Yes, that’s quite enough of that, thank you very much…
Okay – no more BlipFM stuff on here. It’s the kind of thing that works much better on Twitter anyhow – here it just ends up looking downright untidy. So, if there were any of those tracks that you liked and thought “I’d like to here more like that”, you can either follow me on Twitter or you can listen direct on BlipFM.com.
I’ve also had a very bad night’s sleep, and have spent most of today getting work done. My brain is now telling me to stop (it may also be waving flags to that effect), so I’m taking it exceptionally easy for the rest of the evening.
More details soon…
Starfish and Coffee
My life is suddenly existing as contrasts. It didn’t really hit me until today, but I’ve gone from a serious amount of socialising over the past few days to suddenly being back in solitary mode, and I think my brain is still attempting to catch up. While the weather started out as pretty rotten on Monday, the rest of the week turned out to be very nice indeed, and it was an odd relief to be completely offline for four days – no internet, no e-mail, nothing. And one thing I did find myself doing wa staying in bed until around 9.30 – 10.00 ish in the morning, something I very, very rarely do. I think I needed it, and there was a pleasent amount of relaxing that I really think I was in need of. I was staying with my friend Dan from my days back in Media Production at University, and he lives out in Stanmore – it’s on the tube, and it’s technically Middlesex rather than London, but it really wasn’t too bad a journey.
Plus, it was lovely staying there, I was made very welcome, and it made the whole process of being in London much, much easier than the last time when I went through the hell of the London Film Festival. Inbetween meeting up with friends I was able to do fun stuff like going to the National Portrait Gallery and generally enjoy being in London, while a visit to the Notting Hill Book and Comic Exchange resulted in (thanks to a pile of books and comics I was able to sell on) picking up the fourth volume of Absolute Sandman for the sum total cash outlay of £5 (the rest was exchange vouchers). That’s the kind of result that leaves me with a big smile on my face, and the Arthur C. Clarke Awards were once again huge fun – loud, rambunctious and energetic (complete with an unexpected cameo appearence from William Hurt, of all people…) and a chance to catch up with a whole selection of new acquaintances I made at Eastercon. It’s those kind of moments where I can’t really avoid that I do have an effect on people – it’s amazing what singing “Hungry Like The Wolf” in front of a crowd of people can do for you, but the Clarkes were huge fun, as was the afternoon of meeting people in pubs which followed on the Thursday.
And now I’m back, a little frazzled by the exertions of those days, a little tired and a little prone to melancholy – but only I think because those days were so much fun. I’ve never felt the contrast between solitude and socialisation quite as strongly as this, but then my life is changing in a number of ways. It’s only to be expected that this kind of stuff feels different. But one thing I do know is that I want to do this kind of thing more regularly – right now, London isn’t too far away, and my circle of friends already feels bigger than it did a couple of months ago. And it’s a nice feeling. I may be spending a lot of time on my own. But I don’t think I’m actually alone. And despite the fact that there’s going to be plenty of times when being on my own might make me feel sad, and emphasise the things which my life sometimes lacks… I’m not going to let it drag me down. I’m going to learn to cope with it. And I’m going to be alright in the end.
Anyhow – can’t stay up too late. It’s Free Comic Book Day tomorrow, and I’m figuring that an “Early Bird catches the worm” strategy would be wisest. I’ll curl myself up with Absolute Sandman IV, and relax.
And yes, there’s going to be plenty from BlipFM on here. I like the idea of being able to throw intriguing, different and varied music out there for people to listen to. It’ll be a pretty regular feature. Hope you enjoy it…
Saxon Bullock 