It’s probably the sunshine, but I’m feeling better. Having two consecutive good nights of sleep helps (even if last nights was somewhat interesting thanks to crazy dreams – the main one I remember being taking a pump-action shotgun to a whole crowd of bad guys all of whom were dressed as Heath Ledger’s Joker. Bottled up anger issues? Never!) has certainly helped as well. And the main thing has been the fact that… well, there’s a lot about my current life that I find difficult to get used to. I spend an awful lot of time on my own – and, to be honest, that’s mainly going to continue, as proofreading and writing novels are not ideal careers for meeting people. It especially doesn’t help that I am attempting to get over a major emotional hurdle, and sometimes time isn’t enough – it has occasionally felt, over the past few months, like I’m trapped in amber, like I can’t move on until something happens or I can progress out of what I’m still viewing as an ‘interim stage’. There’s a part of me that would be terribly happy for something like that to happen – if only because introspection can get so amazingly boring after a while. It’s very easy to find yourself going around and around the same subjects, reiterating the same conclusions. And I’m the kind of person who finds it very easy to think very badly of himself – or at least, who finds it easy to think that because I’ve gone from finding someone who wanted to marry me and stay with me for the rest of my life to being on my own in Manchester (not something I ever foresaw), that in some way I deserve it. That because I don’t have anyone in my life who cares for me in that way anymore, that I’m not meant to, and it’s very easy from there to feeling as if every aspect of my life alone is in some way reminding me of the fact that I don’t deserve to be with someone.
And my walk in the sunshine this afternoon basically brought me to the conclusion that thinking like that is understandable, but is also complete nonsense and isn’t going to get me anywhere. There are things I need to do to get myself out of my shell – small but important steps to try and link myself up with the world more and remind myself that I’m not alone. But above everything else, I need to remember that this didn’t happen as a judgement on me as a person. It didn’t happen because I did something wrong. It just happenned. And just because I don’t have anyone in my life who cares for me that way, it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve it. I need to be nice to myself, and I need to look after myself. The rest will come, with time.
I feel like I’m going to be alright. Amazing what a bit of sun can do, isn’t it?