I wrote an entry last week, but I didn’t post it. I was pretty down and upset when I wrote it… but I don’t want to delete it. Instead, it’s here behind a cut. I feel like I want to be honest about how I’m doing here, and the fact that since I finished the rewrite, I haven’t been doing brilliantly. There’s been illness and a few other moments – nothing hugely dramatic, to be honest. I am sometimes very much a ‘pressure cooker’ kind of person, and it’s like a baseline of emotional noise keeps building and building in my head until steam starts metaphorically exploding from my ears. Despite everything, the fact that my life is much simpler now does mean that I do find things easier to cope with. But there are times when you find yourself having dark moments, and it’s like being trapped in a cold, dark cave. And you know the only one who can get yourself out of that cave is you. You’re just not sure exactly how.
Anyhow, the entry which I didn’t want to delete runs thusly:
I’m not sure I can remember exactly how to be happy.
That is, to be honest, melodrama. But in certain ways it’s true – that whole process of being able to be happy even when there’s no specific reason to be happy, It’s a process that’s good, and it’s a process I’ve never really mastered. I haven’t been blogging much, and one of the main reasons is simply that, at least for the last couple of weeks, there comes a certain limit on the number of times I can say “I’m down, I’m melancholy, and the echoes of my collapsed marriage are chasing me like barking dogs and refusing to go away.” I don’t want to be that person, but I’m not sure I can remember how to be anybody else. I don’t want to just be spewing misery onto the net – I like to be able to actually have something to say other than “woe is me”, and I guess one of the problems I’m facing is simply that having finished the rewrite of my book, a gigantic distraction from my current problems is suddenly gone. That powerhouse of determination is all over, and while I’m edging my way into a new project, it is really difficult to get myself energised up when it doesn’t have the “Holy crap, an editor is interested and actually wants to have a look at it!” factor. Of course, this doesn’t make me unique in the slightest. It’s just an excuse, and it’s one I’m not letting myself get away with, and I am making progress and getting stuff done.
But it hurts. It still hurts like crazy. And I don’t know how to process it to stop it from hurting. I know I’m doing much better… but my life is run on a pretty tight ship right now. It has to be, for practicality’s sake. There are things I simply can’t do. And there are other things – like the whole process of meeting people – that a part of me just doesn’t want to do. I don’t want to have to go through that, I don’t want to be sat at home feeling like there’s this gigantic empty hole in my life and it doesn’t matter what I do nothing’s ever going to fill it. And I don’t want to be feeling angry about this, and sad, and melancholy, and upset, and confused, and guilty, and all this stuff that just isn’t going anywhere, and doesn’t have anywhere to go. It feels like all of this is just going to stay inside my head. Like I’ve been thrown in prison, and my bunk-mate is – worse luck – the worst parts of my own personality. I hate being like this. I really want it to stop. I’ve wanted it to stop for the last two weeks, and all I’ve ended up with is illness, and sleepless nights, and a general feeling of emptiness that isn’t going away. I will be alright. It’s just difficult right now, and solutions aren’t easy.
I only ever wanted to feel like I mattered to someone, and that they mattered to me. And I did have that. But then it went away. And right now, to be honest, I really just want someone to hug. And I want to stop feeling like ending up alone, and struggling, and sad, is what I deserve. The sensible side of my brain knows that isn’t true. I just wish I could take the other bit out and pound some sense into it.
This blog entry was brought to you by the words “melancholy” and “upset”. Normal service will be resumed shortly…
And the fact is, I am doing better. And I am going to be okay. I habitually end up choosing the harder road in life, so it’s no surprise that things aren’t always easy – but I’m doing better. I’m having fun. And while I might be going through a rough time right now, I’m going to bounce back. No matter what happens with the book, or with the projects I’m working on right now… I’m going to be alright.
And now I shall disappear off into the sunset, while humming “Singin’ in the Rain” to myself…
One thought on “In Pursuit of Happiness”
I’m sorry I didn’t return your call last week – I got the message a day later and I was in pre-deadline panic mode. Feel free to call tomorrow if you need to (I’ll probably be out on Friday).