If there’s one activity I hate, it’s having to put my books in boxes when I don’t know exactly when I’ll be unpacking them. It’s not something that’s good for the soul, and today has been very little other than packing. I’ve got to that point where the books are 90% done, but everything’s gotten very diffuse and odd, and the last 10% seems to take five times as long as it should do. I seem to be bouncing between feeling incredibly overwrought and breaking down every five minutes, and a very peculiarly blank feeling of emotional numbness. It does, at least, feel as if I’m trapped aboard a ship that’s plunging into a Black Hole- it doesn’t really feel like anything exists beyond next Monday, and it’s going to be exceptionally odd (and not to say a little traumatic) to actually get there.

I did at least have a tremendous time at the Gollancz party last night – I was even kindly given a lift, so I could get drunk with impunity. Thankfully, I avoided getting weird and emotional drunk, instead plumping for kooky and eccentric drunk (which is always more fun). Had some great conversations, some great laughs, and I’m also reminding myself that just because I’m moving to Manchester, it doesn’t mean I’m falling off the edge of the world.

I’m going to be really, really glad when this is all over. Well, to be honest, I’m probably going to lock myself in a room and do an operatic amount of sobbing. But then, after that, I will be glad. I’m doing this for the right reasons, and at least this way I have the hope of making things better.

Tick tock tick tock…

I have a weird relationship with being busy – it’s part of existance as a freelancer, but I seem to veer from absolutely nothing happening and shaking my fists at the sky in sheer bored frustration, to having virtually every single second of every day accounted for and filled by a torrent of work. This is one of those times – I’ve just finished my first go at sub-editing a book, almost a week-and-a-half of work, and my brain feels like it’s been reduced to the consistency of a milk shake. Added to which, I’ve got a book review to finish, another manuscript to red (Edit- this should, obviously, say read. See below for further comment…) by Thursday, and a film review to finish by Thursday. Plus, I’ve got another film I’m seeing on Thursday, and next week I’ve got three days of magazine subbing. On top of all this, of course, I’ve got the now worryingly close prospect of my move to Manchester, which is now only three weeks away, and there is a whole selection of things I’ve got to do between now and then. But, when it comes to the crunch, I would rather be busy at the moment than not – there are various financial issues to be sorted, and I don’t know exactly how well or badly I’ll be doing once I’m away and officially ‘on my own’, but the work I’m doing right now can only help.

One side-effect of what’s happening is that I’m also selling and exchanging lots, slimming down the DVD collection (which has now been officially split between mine and George’s, with a couple of casualties on my side that I’ll hopefully be able to re-acquire soon) via the world of Computer Game Exchange on Ramillies Street in London, and the resulting exchange vouchers are enabling me to get some stuff that I’ve wanted to get for a while. Season 1 of The Wire, Season 1 of The Shield, the complete series of oddball Canadian/South African SF series Charlie Jade and – in an unexpected scoop – the collector’s edition of E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial, which is the only R2 edition that has the original un-CG-tampered version of the film. I’m mainly stocking up so that once I arrive in Manchester, I can lock myself away from the world for a little while and simply lose myself in quality drama – although I think picking up something a little upbeat as well might be a help.

It’s been an odd, slightly intense weekend, but I’m doing okay.

And thank you to all who left messages on the previous post – it really meant an awful lot.

Okay. It’s explanation time.

I’m still not used to the idea that people actually read this blog. If there is such a thing as an actual ‘Reader of Saxon’s Blog’, I’ve been doing my best to ignore them for a while – I’ve never been a regular blogger, but my input has been dwindling to virtually nothing over the last few months (well, if you don’t count my worrying over-analysis of various Who episodes). And the thing is, it’s not like I’ve been short of things to write about. The reason I’ve been avoiding writing about them is that the last few months have, on the whole, not been good. I don’t like the idea of transforming the blog into a litany of things that get me down (as if there’s ever going to be a shortage of that), but events have got to a point where there are some seismic changes happening that I’m not going to be able to ignore or pretend not to notice.

The truth is this: my wife and I are separating.

This isn’t something we’re doing lightly – to be honest, it’s currently feeling like it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done – but it’s something that can’t be avoided. George and I still care about each other a lot, but we’ve been having problems for a long time and we’re no closer to solving them. There comes a point when you’ve had the same conversation over and over again, and you start to suspect that the reason it’s never going to be solved is that it simply can’t be solved – and we’ve been trying hard for a long time, but the way we’ve been living together hasn’t been making either of us happy. It’s a horrible situation, but we have the choice to end it now, amicably, rather than try and stretch it out, try to fix up, and likely end up hating each other. Her friendship is too important to me – I don’t want to be without it, and I can let go of all the other negative stuff in the past if it means we can still be friends after this is over. It just hasn’t worked – the move down to Hampshire was a brave attempt, and it’s taught us a lot, but in the long run it didn’t work. I wish it had, but it didn’t, and nothing I can do can change that. I just need to look to the future now, be positive, and not dwell on things I may or may not have gone wrong. Positivity is the only thing that’s going to get me through this.

Of course, the fact is that I’m going to have to completely transform my life. There’s no way that I can stay where I am – but thankfully, a very good friend of mine from University named Anna, who’s been rightly described (by another friend of mine) as one of the nicest people in the country, has offered me a place to stay. She moved to Manchester about three years ago, has bought a house, and has a back room she’s not doing anything with – so I’m going to be her lodger. It won’t be forever – at the moment, I’m looking on this as an interim phase of my life for the next few months to give me a chance to get my head straight, and rebuild my life in a way I’ve never done before. Manchester isn’t the first place I might have thought of to go – but the one thing I didn’t want to do was go back to London. I left at the end of 2006, and I’m still glad I left, and going back at this stage would feel like a terrible mistake. At the moment, the majority of the work I’ve been doing is stuff I can do from home – things may change, and I may have to evolve with them, but the only things that are actually tying me to London are things I don’t really enjoy or like anymore. The idea of going to a new city, and starting again… it’s both scary and exciting.

I want to do this right. I want this to have a happy ending, so I can look back and think to myself that, however things turned out, I tried my best to do the right thing. The last two years have not been easy for a variety of reasons – but there have also been happy times, and I wouldn’t exchange them for the world. While there have been moments in the last few weeks when I’ve wanted to crumble into a thousand pieces, I am keeping myself together, and I am keeping on track. It’s not firmly locked down to a precise date, but my departure time for Manchester is the end of September – just over three weeks, and a period of my life that’s already going to be packed with frantic activity. I am, however, going to try and keep myself happy. Much of this is going to be painful, but we’re doing it for the right reasons. We’re taking the more difficult road and throwing the hard six, and in the end, that’s the best either of us can aim for.

Above everything else, I need to keep myself writing. Not to get published, not to give myself a sense of acheivement, but because – despite my confidence often preventing me from getting down and actually putting finger to keyboard – it’s something that makes my life make sense. And I have the feeling it’s what I was put on this planet to do.

So, no more bellyaching. No more complaining. And, hopefully, no more depressed extended silences on this blog.

Time to get to work…

My birthday has arrived. A gentle wake-up, a relaxed morning, lots of lovely birthday wishes via Facebook, and soon George and I will be heading into London to have fun, rummage around in some shops, and finally get to see The Dark Knight at the BFI IMAX. Life is somewhat complicated and strange and difficult at the moment, but I’m not going to let it get in the way of having a good day today.

I’m 34 tomorrow. Age-wise, I’m getting to that time when multiplying my age by 2 starts resulting in some scary numbers. I’m not sure how keen I am on the idea of getting older.

This blog has been inactive for a while. There’s been many reasons for that, some of which will remain secret, others which will be revealled soon, but not right now.

I guess this entry is here mainly to say that I’m still here, I’m still alive, and that explanations aren’t far away.

More soon…

It’s funny how you can happily amble along for ages, telling yourself that you’re doing the right thing, telling yourself that you’re happy… and then suddenly you see your situation from a different angle. And then you think “Why the hell am I doing this?”

It’s been an odd year work-wise, and not an especially rewarding one. Being a full-time freelance journalist/sub-editor is something I’ve never been entirely comfortable with (one of the things that first nudged me towards writing The Hypernova Gambit is the hope that it might, in some way, propell me in a different direction and make something happen), and I’ve finally come to the realisation that the uncertainty, the constant scrabbling for work, and the general hassle of doing what I’m doing isn’t actually helping me anymore. It’d be nice to say I’ve got plenty of time to write, but I haven’t– and a stressed Saxon isn’t someone who feels comfortable sitting down and writing when there’s stuff to be done.

So, essentially, I’m putting a couple of plans into action – some short-term, some long-term. I’m keeping my eyes out for a part-time job. I’m putting more effort into building up subbing contacts. I’m going to rigorously pursue the idea of getting more proofreading work. Going back to full-time work isn’t a solution – it’d work short term, but it’d send me potty in short order – and I’ve obviously got the added problem that in terms of part-time work, the possibilities aren’t as strong down here as they would be in London (and a commute is only remotely worth it if it’s something as relatively well-paid as subbing). These are problems, but most problems have solutions.

I think, to be honest, that the negative aspects of this life have been affecting me for a long time (I’ve been doing this since the end of 2003), and even if my plans do take a while to come to fruition, even the thought that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel is making me feel better. It ain’t necessarily going to be easy, but I’m going to shake my life up, and do some things my instincts normally tell me not to (a decision which has me, rather worryingly, thinking of the Seinfeld episode “The Opposite”). And even if the results aren’t what I expect, I’m hoping that change will happen, and that I’ll inch closer to a working life that can actually make me happy in the long term.

For me, it’s very difficult to return from a two week holiday and not feel like Sam saying “Well, I’m back” at the end of Lord of the Rings. Fourteen days always ends up feeling like a long time – but I think this break has been good for me. Two weeks in southern Spain, staying with my in-laws in a rather lovely and roomy house that’s about an hour from Alicante, and gave us all plenty of opportunities to not do very much and sit by the pool. There was some exploring, a few trips, and an expedition to the beach (which was the most touristy beach I’ve ever been on – and actually gave me some major Jaws flashbacks, mainly because I’ve never actually swum at a big, wide, American-style touristy beach when it’s sunny – blame my Cornish upbringing…), but most of this time was spent being inactive and recharging my batteries. This isn’t something I’m always good at – my brain is very adept at tying itself in knots and creating things for me to get worked up about – but overall, it’s been a very good holiday for me, one that gave me the chance to see plenty of Spaghetti Western-style scenery and have lots of fun. The journey back was relatively smooth (although extremely hard work), and today is going to be mostly set aside for recovery and general lying around going “uhhhhhh”…

It certainly helped that the run-up to the holiday was one of my most insanely busy work periods ever. Cramming proofreading, reviews and interviews into less than a week was certainly an education- from the beginning of the Edinburgh Festival through to the departure for the holiday, almost every single hour of my life was accounted for. I’ve now got a slightly quieter time, so hopefully I’ll be able to do some sorting out and re-orient myself. There are things I need to do to get myself back on track, and lots of them revolve around me doing lots and lots of writing.

Plenty to do. Not enough time to do it.

And- in case you were wondering – there’s still no news about the novel…

I’d love to blog in-depth, but it’s far too early, and I’m far too tired. Suffice to say, we’re off to Spain for two weeks tomorrow (well, technically speaking it’s today…), and I will hopefully be able to recharge my batteries. There’s a remote possibility I may get regular access to the net in that time- otherwise, look after yourselves, behave, and we’ll be back in two weeks to try and fill in the blanks of what’s been an incessantly busy time.

Right now, the idea of lolling by a pool and doing very little sounds incredibly nice…

See ya soon…