Okay. It’s explanation time.
I’m still not used to the idea that people actually read this blog. If there is such a thing as an actual ‘Reader of Saxon’s Blog’, I’ve been doing my best to ignore them for a while – I’ve never been a regular blogger, but my input has been dwindling to virtually nothing over the last few months (well, if you don’t count my worrying over-analysis of various Who episodes). And the thing is, it’s not like I’ve been short of things to write about. The reason I’ve been avoiding writing about them is that the last few months have, on the whole, not been good. I don’t like the idea of transforming the blog into a litany of things that get me down (as if there’s ever going to be a shortage of that), but events have got to a point where there are some seismic changes happening that I’m not going to be able to ignore or pretend not to notice.
The truth is this: my wife and I are separating.
This isn’t something we’re doing lightly – to be honest, it’s currently feeling like it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done – but it’s something that can’t be avoided. George and I still care about each other a lot, but we’ve been having problems for a long time and we’re no closer to solving them. There comes a point when you’ve had the same conversation over and over again, and you start to suspect that the reason it’s never going to be solved is that it simply can’t be solved – and we’ve been trying hard for a long time, but the way we’ve been living together hasn’t been making either of us happy. It’s a horrible situation, but we have the choice to end it now, amicably, rather than try and stretch it out, try to fix up, and likely end up hating each other. Her friendship is too important to me – I don’t want to be without it, and I can let go of all the other negative stuff in the past if it means we can still be friends after this is over. It just hasn’t worked – the move down to Hampshire was a brave attempt, and it’s taught us a lot, but in the long run it didn’t work. I wish it had, but it didn’t, and nothing I can do can change that. I just need to look to the future now, be positive, and not dwell on things I may or may not have gone wrong. Positivity is the only thing that’s going to get me through this.
Of course, the fact is that I’m going to have to completely transform my life. There’s no way that I can stay where I am – but thankfully, a very good friend of mine from University named Anna, who’s been rightly described (by another friend of mine) as one of the nicest people in the country, has offered me a place to stay. She moved to Manchester about three years ago, has bought a house, and has a back room she’s not doing anything with – so I’m going to be her lodger. It won’t be forever – at the moment, I’m looking on this as an interim phase of my life for the next few months to give me a chance to get my head straight, and rebuild my life in a way I’ve never done before. Manchester isn’t the first place I might have thought of to go – but the one thing I didn’t want to do was go back to London. I left at the end of 2006, and I’m still glad I left, and going back at this stage would feel like a terrible mistake. At the moment, the majority of the work I’ve been doing is stuff I can do from home – things may change, and I may have to evolve with them, but the only things that are actually tying me to London are things I don’t really enjoy or like anymore. The idea of going to a new city, and starting again… it’s both scary and exciting.
I want to do this right. I want this to have a happy ending, so I can look back and think to myself that, however things turned out, I tried my best to do the right thing. The last two years have not been easy for a variety of reasons – but there have also been happy times, and I wouldn’t exchange them for the world. While there have been moments in the last few weeks when I’ve wanted to crumble into a thousand pieces, I am keeping myself together, and I am keeping on track. It’s not firmly locked down to a precise date, but my departure time for Manchester is the end of September – just over three weeks, and a period of my life that’s already going to be packed with frantic activity. I am, however, going to try and keep myself happy. Much of this is going to be painful, but we’re doing it for the right reasons. We’re taking the more difficult road and throwing the hard six, and in the end, that’s the best either of us can aim for.
Above everything else, I need to keep myself writing. Not to get published, not to give myself a sense of acheivement, but because – despite my confidence often preventing me from getting down and actually putting finger to keyboard – it’s something that makes my life make sense. And I have the feeling it’s what I was put on this planet to do.
So, no more bellyaching. No more complaining. And, hopefully, no more depressed extended silences on this blog.
Time to get to work…
7 thoughts on “From Despair to Where”
There’s nothing I feel I can add to this that doesn’t sound futile, but anyway it’s a brave thing that you’re doing, and a brave thing to talk about it.
I started reading this blog a couple of years ago during the Edinburgh Film Festival, making a blog entry for myself at the Delegate’s Centre and halfway through typing http://www.livejournal.com – there was a handful of other entries in the browser’s history, one of which was yours and I started reading it.
I enjoyed the reviews, briefly read through your superbly written and entertaining New Who analysis, which I don’t think is horribly overwrought in the least, and blammo – instant ‘Reader of Saxon’s Blog’.
So, one lurker skulking around in the dark here – I’m so sorry for your difficulties. Getting published, wrestling with words, self-doubt, editorial and the dichotomy of liking/loathing Russell T. Davies and now the transparency of discussing your personal life.
Point being: Dude, you’re now one of my heroes – and I know nothing about you outside this blog. Your open approach in this blog is teaching me more about the importance of personal communication than you may ever realise. (Please ignore the lack of substantive content on my LJ – it impacts in other ways.) I’m pleased – nay, proud – to keep you on my friends list.
Life will get better. Keep us all posted. And never give up the writing – you have found your purpose.
Walking the path
Good luck in Manchester. There’s a lot of economics around that city nowadays, it’s a good choice for a fresh start. Even if it wasn’t exactly a choice. But then, do any of us really have free will?
I’m really sorry to hear this, Saxon. I hope you’re doing okay (as well as you can be, anyway) and I do hope that you and George can manage to work out that happy ending. :o/
And, of course, all the best of luck in Manchester…
Love to both of you. But you knew that.
Continued good wishes for getting through what has got to be a pretty damn crappy time of life.
And don’t forget: chance to (sort of) party at end of month.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I just hope Manchester is ready for “The Sax” – it’s barely recovered from “Trissybabes”. You go and make some craters up there.
Good luck and love, as always.