I’m crossing my fingers for a relatively smooth journey – yes, there’s been snow down here (nowhere near as much as in other parts of the country), but it hasn’t been too heavy, so there’s a vague chance that tomorrow’s trip won’t disintegrate into a Planes Trains and Automobiles style nightmare.

Oh blimey. I should have known better.

Yes, the journey turned into something of a saga. A 15-hour saga. And it’d be great if I could say that much of that was action, adventure and intrigue, but most of it involved an awful lot of sitting around. Newquay Airport is not a particularly exciting place to be stranded – in fact, out of the whole journey, it’s about the least appealing part of the journey to be stuck on. So naturally, I got stuck there. The annoying thing is that if my plane – which was scheduled to leave at 6.30am, and initially got delayed to about 7.30am – had tried to leave ten minutes earlier, we probably would have made it. They finally started boarding us at 8am- and then stopped when snow descended. Serious snow. An hour and a half later, they tried again, and we got as far as the runway before the fact that a blizzard was going made it clear that nobody was going anywhere for the immediate future. Which left me kinda stranded – I chose the ‘wait for the other flight that day’ option, which meant waiting from 10am until 3.55pm in the desperate hope that the snow would let up. And it did. And the journey back to Manchester was relatively smooth, with only a half-hour pause at Bristol.

It was only when I was getting off the plane at Manchester that I realised I could actually have gotten to America in the time it took me to get home.

A bit of a saga, and I’ve come back to find Manchester wreathed in snow and ice. It’s -7 outside. Tomorrow will be plenty of sorting, and hopefully a journey into town. But for now, I’m just glad to be back…

I’m now warm in bed, after a marvellous New Year’s Eve spent hanging out with my friend Tris (and doing a series of fabulously psychedelic photographs involving the light-painting process – we’d have done more, except for the fact that it was pretty damn cold).The last week has been very relaxing and extremely nice – I’ve gotten work done on the book, but I’ve also done some genuine relaxation, and it’s been good to feel like I’m shutting myself away from the world for a while. Overall, I’m feeling better than I have done in a while, and relatively hopeful for the future. Which is certainly a turn up for the books…

2009 hasn’t been an entirely easy year – it’s the first full year that I’ve spent on my own since my separation from George, it’s had at least a couple of moments I’d rather forget, it’s seen the lengthy saga of the Editor Who Shall Remain Nameless and my book rewrite finally end in a rejection, and it hasn’t resulted in anything that’s caused a major, game-raising positive change in my life. What it has done is prove that I made the right move in 2008 (in a number of ways) – it’s been a year where I’ve made new friends; – partly through my local comic shop (the wonderful Manchester branch of Travelling Man), and partly through conventions (especially this year’s Eastercon). I’ve had plenty of adventures. I have dressed as a Steampunk. I’ve partied when I’ve had the chance. I’ve read lots of good books (and quite a few bloody awful ones as well). I’ve shown that I can make this new phase of my life work, both from a business and from a life perspective.

And, most of all, 2009 has proved conclusively that I damn well want to be a writer, and that I’m not going to give up just because a project I poured an awful lot of effort into has been turned down. I’m going to keep going at this – I’ve got a new project, that’s just as (if not more) promising than The Hypernova Gambit, and I’m going to finish it. And then, we’ll see what happens.

My goals for 2010? Finishing my new book. Finishing the proofreading course I’m currently doing. Making a damn good start on the next book. Trying to increase the amount of proofreading I’m doing. And maybe – just maybe – being able to have a good idea of when I might be able to move into a place of my own by the end of the year. Stranger things have happenned…

Anyhow, above everything else, I’m going to do my best to make 2010 a good year, to look to the future and not let the fact that some bad things have happened in mhy past prevent me from having a truly excellent time.

I’m determined to have a good one. And I hope you do too.

Happy New Year!

I’ve been diagnosed with depression.

Oh, hooray.

To be honest, this is not a massive shock. I’ve been having major sleeping problems for the last few months (some of which has been down to problems with my bed, but not all), I’m still living a life where I’m spending 95% of my time completely alone, I’ve been extremely busy, and I’ve had a very hard knock in the book being turned down – more so, simply because of the fact that I could really do with something significant in my life changing. And right now, it isn’t going to. Simple as that.

The last couple of weeks have been really hard, and it’s been getting difficult even to concentrate – I’ve been nowhere near as efficient as I usually am in getting work done, and life has generally been getting on top of me. The failure of my marriage has been back lurking in the background of my head ever since October, and it’s like the book being turned down has just turned the volume up. The only way I’m going to get myself out of this situation is by being determined, working hard, and getting myself on. There’s a whole selection of things that I need to do in my head, and I’m damn well going to do them.

But I’m also realising now that the next few months are going to be quite hard. I’m going to be getting some counselling, and I’m not ruling out other options as well. The last few days have been really difficult though – I’ve felt at times like I’m crumbling into bits, and it’s rather hard to keep myself together. I haven’t had much energy for anything other than the bare minimum I need to do to get through the day – being ill with a very unpleasant cold that’s essentially been hanging around my system for three months doesn’t really help either. And, to be honest, that’s one of the reasons why this blog has been dead quiet. I don’t like posting here when the only thoughts I can think of to write down are miserable ones. I’m kind of bored of being miserable, and lonely, and feeling broken. It’s too much like hard work. And I’m not going to let it completely control my life.

I am at least doing some sensible things as well. I’m going back to Cornwall for two weeks, and I’m extremely glad I’m doing it now. There were a couple of moments where the idea of being down there felt like a little too long – I tend to get cabin fever if I’m anywhere longer than a week, and while staying with family is always lovely, there’s also often a point where you start counting down until you leave. But right now, knowing that there’s only eighteen days until I get on a plane, and then I really don’t have to worry about anything and am going to be looked after for two weeks is really, really nice. I’m going to try and get plenty of writing done over those two weeks, but I am also going to actually (shock! horror!) relax.

I don’t want to define myself by what happened anymore. I want to be able to feel like the happiness I once felt, a long time ago, is something I can get back. That it’s not dependant on being with someone, that I’m capable of being happy on my own. I want to remember how to be happy. And I want to move on.

I’ll try and update like this a bit more. And, whatever happens, I will be okay.

Saxon Bullock. Sturdier than he looks…

The briefest of brief updates…

I’m actually doing okay in the wake of the Book being turned down. I have a plan, and I’m going to follow it whatever happens.

I’ve been spectacularly busy.

I looked at my bank balance recently, and it actually made me feel good. Things are still tight, but actual progress may be being made.

I’ve seen a lot of good television. And some bad as well.

I’m also rewatching Lost, something I’ll be talking about at length at some point. Short version? S1 is still great, although it’s a major culture shock going back to the gently paced character/adventure show after the plot-heavy madness of S5. And you can almost feel the problems hit in S2 as early as episode 4.

I’m off to London for the next three days, for much socialisation and adventure. Hope it’s going to be fun…

And – to wrap things up – something that made me smile. A lot.

See you soon….