Sometimes, it’s hard to have faith.
Christmas has been okay. There have been moments which definitely qualify as nice – over the past few years, I’ve always had lovely Christmases, but they’ve always been very, very action-packed Christmases, with only a few chances for quiet time on my own, and the chance to settle down and watch some good TV. This year has given me plenty of that, and while it’s been nice, I can’t help feeling it’d be nice to acheive some kind of balance inbetween.
I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t had some difficult moments over the past week or so. One particular disappointment involving a Christmas parcel in the post that’s either gone astray or is taking its sweet time in getting to its destination hasn’t helped, and there have been points where it’s been very difficult to cope with this time of the year in my current situation. I keep telling myself that it’s normal, that it’s okay to be hurting right now, and that all I need to do is keep my head down and get through. In the end, the only thing that’s really going to help here is time.
It’s just difficult to be here, in this situation, trying to tell myself that all I need to do is be strong and keep on fighting, when every single day seems to bring another message about how 2009 is going to be really, really difficult, and it’s hard not to think that my decision to essentially shift into a new line of business (proofreading) isn’t necessarily the best timing. That things were hard enough before – and I may not have the emotional tangle that I was in before, but now it’s like I’m having to fight against even more, like it’s not enough for me to have to be coping with all the emotional fallout that regularly shrieks through my head, I’ve also got to be trying to accomplish myself in a field that’s all about psychotic self-belief and existing on very little money, and I’ve got to be doing it at a point where the global financial economy has decided that now is the best time to combust.
I’ve got to believe that things are going to be okay. I’ve got to believe that I’m going to be able to manage on my own. I’ve got to believe that I can write, and write well, and maintain enough self-belief to get through another writing project. And I’ve got to believe that I will find someone again someday, that I do deserve to be happy, that this isn’t my fault, and that I don’t need to let myself disappear into a whirlpool of bitterness and anger in order to satisfy the five-year-old in my head who really needs someone to blame.
I’m not saying that I can’t believe that. It’s just that it takes a certain level of faith, a certain level of determination. And I’ve got to find that somewhere inside myself, when for much of the time all I want to do is curl up in a corner and hide from the world.
I don’t want 2009 to just be about surviving. I want to be in a better situation in 12 months time – I may not have moved yet, I may not have completely transformed my life, but I want to be better.
I’m going to do everything I can to make that happen. I guess I’d just like something unconditionally good to come along – something to make me smile, and make me think that life doesn’t have to be an endless struggle.
I am going to count my blessings, however. Whatever I am going through, and however difficult the next twelve months may or may not be, I could be a lot worse off. I’m financially sorted through until the last week of March. I’m staying with a friend. I have lots of other friends who are keeping in touch. In short, I know that if I vanished tomorrow, someone would notice. And it does make things easier.
I’m not going to give up. Adversity isn’t going to stop me yet.
Some good things did happen this year – 2008 wasn’t a total bust, but it will go down as one of the hardest years I’ve ever had. Here’s hoping that despite the clouds on the horizon, 2009 is going to be better.
Just over twenty four hours to go…