Have you ever had the feeling that there’s something wrong with you? You probably have- and it’s one of those inward-looking, slightly overblown questions that you end up pondering when you haven’t got anything better to do. It has, however, been an odd, strange, and slightly unsettling week, mainly because I’m being forced to deal with the fact that there are certain elements in life that I have major, major problems dealing with. It’s strange when you suddenly realise that the way you’re behaving isn’t necessarily the best way of handling things- that maybe there’s a different reason for you getting randomly, incoherently angry than what you’re getting angry at. I’ve always experienced life at a different volume to everybody else- and sometimes, this has the added effect of transforming me into a gibbering, emotional wreck.
And it’s at moments like this that I’m amazingly thankful for George, and the fact that she actually puts up with me when I’m like that. I’m trying, and doing my best, and I’m going to get through this- I think it’s just that the last three months have been a lot tougher than I thought, and I think there’s a part of my brain that’s panicking majorly over the “sod everything, let’s write the novel!” plan. Not that I’m going to let that stop me. I’d rather get to the end of the year, be a total financial mess, and have written the novel that I wanted to write, than just give up now and attempt to return to what some foolish, unwise and badly informed folks refer to as a “normal life”.
Cynicism abounds. I’ll try and keep it under control.
I’m at work at the moment, once again subbing in an office with air conditioning that makes everything feel like being wrapped in heated cotton wool. Thought is difficult. Hopefully there will be more updates later. Stay tuned…