It’s very hard to be strong at a time like this.
I’m five days into my new life, and I’m regularly veering from feeling positive, to fracturing into several hundred pieces. I’ve never been good at coping with life at the best of times, and right now there’s a lot to find completely overwhelming. Probably the strangest thing is trying to get used to city life again, and realising that while I think Manchester will be good as an interim place, I’m not certain I’m ever going to want to settle here. There’s a lovely park just a few hundred metres from my house, there are funky shops, there’s energy and life… but I miss the countryside. I miss the peace, and the friendliness. I’m not designed for city living. I’m finding adjusting to life as a single person difficult as well – I had to do my first major shop today (in ASDA of all places) and I found myself on the verge of a minor emotional breakdown. An ASDA in the middle of Manchester is not the right place for that kind of thing. I got through, and I’m pleased I got it done, but it was a close call.
The strangest thing that’s happenned tonight is that I’ve walked out of my new room several times, and been surprised at the layout of the house’s upper floor. It took me a minute to realise why, but it’s because I keep expecting it to be like 26 Dundalk Road, the shared house I lived in when I first met George. It’s an odd moment of displacement that I find difficult. I’m getting back to work tomorrow, mainly because I think work is the only thing that’s going to get me through this. I’m not good at being social, at meeting new people, at making friends. i just don’t have the wiring for it, and I’m not sure I’m up to doing it again. My life at the moment (and the way it’s been for the past eighteen months) seems to mainly consist of me being on my own, and maybe it’s time I got used to that. Maybe I need to use that as a reason and an excuse to throw myself into the fictional worlds that are lurking in my head, and start building them properly. I’m fed up of being envious of people who get to think up cool stuff for a living – maybe my book is going to sell, and maybe it’s not, but the last thing I should be doing right now is waiting. I need to buckle myself down, and get some serious work done because sometimes it’s the one thing I think I’m actually good at.
Sorry. This is probably turning into a bit of a rant. I ended up taking my wedding ring off – just a few minutes ago – I’d been putting it off all week, and I think it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I don’t know if writing this down is wise or sensible, but tapping words onto a keyboard is one of the only things I’m capable of right now. I know I’m going to get through this, and I know that in a year’s time, I’ll look back on this and hopefully be able to see my life finally getting on a true upward curve. The only thing that scares me is that I was thinking roughly the same thing this time last year. It’s been a very tough twelve months, and getting through these next few weeks is going to be hard. I’m going to make it, but there are points where it’s harder than I can bear.
I will make it. I will make it.
(I am having moments where I can smile, and joke, and have fun. To be honest, I’m very glad I’m staying with Anna – she’s out at work a lot, but it’s lovely when she’s around. Time alone isn’t always ideal at a point like this – but these are the cards I’ve been dealt. I can moan, I can wail, or I can get on with it and play.)
(Time to try and re-don my poker face….)